Life and Lies (An Article About Anger)


Life and Lies

People are in a constant need of wanting to recuperate from life, or better said, people are constantly challenged with life’s onslaught, and they wish they could find more refuge, more sanctuary from the steady flow of stuff to deal with. It has been said that it is wise to learn how to gain enough wealth that one can have more rest and relaxation. It is wise to have enough smarts to learn about business endeavors for sure. Yet there are also many other things that are vital to learn about in life and they too matter just as much. Often a person gets their money business situation handled yet their relationships are in need of intimacy and their health is neglected too. How can a person put all of the pieces of the puzzle together to feel balanced and complete?

When it comes to our health, intimacy and good communication with our friends, family and mates is a key aspect of our happiness. Our ability to share our feelings is paramount, since unexpressed feelings cause a great deal of pain. Many times men and women feel resigned in their relationships after their experience of being in an argument with their mate heightens with no positive outcome. Yet many people resign themselves way before they even begin to get to the main issues they wish to communicate, since many people fear arguments and disagreement. Yet it is our own truth and our own passions that are most integral to our happiness, since this is where we live unfettered and alive. This is our main freedom to express our hearts’ joy.

Thus what a lot of people do is exist as frauds in love. They love their family and their mates, yet they hide their real feelings as a prevention factor, as a way to maintain an even keel, as the expression goes. In our ships that sail through our lives in relation to others, we do not want to “rock the boat”. We do not want to be challenged by stormy seas. So we hide our truth from our mates and family and then we layer our internal lies with comforting stuff to help us deny our lingering passions that are being stuffed into our favorite place of denial, our pelvic floor. The pelvis is the place in our body where our relationship issues exist both energetically and emotionally, and this means that we stuff our feelings into our second chakra, the area of relationship issues and creative passions.

In time if we are too much in denial of what our real truth is, since we have long ago chosen to keep our real passions a secret, we then end up loving our lies too much, and letting our lies run us unconsciously. Yes at this point we have become numb. Yet more than just numb, now we are also dumb. Now we are so set on hiding our truth from even our own heart, that now we live in a perpetual state of apathy.

Apathy is the term that describes a state of being where we are suppressing our feelings. The main feelings that we apathetically suppress are the feelings of anger and hate. There are very positive reasons for all of our feelings, yet many people are not aware of the positive aspects of anger and hate. Hate is actually an elemental feeling, and thus the feeling of hate has a few more complexities, yet hate is still a valid feeling that has a positive reason for existing.

When we hold back from expressing our anger, we are usually afraid. Of course we are afraid of the many unknown possible things that could occur if we were to blurt out our real passion and share what we are angry about. One of the main issues that underlie our anger is our desire to feel more joy and pleasure in our lives. My goodness, we are no longer stuck plowing through the wilderness in covered wagons,   nor are we on the look out for terrifying dinosaurs that could munch on us like a crunchy snack.

So what is our miserable complaint? What is so full of drudgery and terror in our modern world that would cause us to get stuck limiting ourselves with so many fears? Why do we prefer our lies over our truth? Mostly the answer to this question is: our programming from childhood, where society’s rules get instituted and deeply ingrained within us. Yet past life remembering is also partially affecting us too.

We get ourselves caught up in a double sided trap. Firstly we are angry about something, yet we fear expressing our anger. We even fear using the word anger. Anger has really gotten a bad reputation in our society. Now we have to go to Anger Management classes to “adapt” our behavior to more suitable standards of communicating. Thus mostly we are on anger alert and the internal mantra is shouting suppress, suppress, no anger allowed!

We are programmed to believe that we can not be angry or else a variety of things are likely to happen that could potentially be devastating. Also a variety of things could be “thought about us” as a result of our brazen action to openly share our feeling of anger. We are now labeled as being a certain kind of person. And that certain kind of person is a negative person that other people avoid being with.

Or worse yet now it is determined that we have an illness that requires proper therapy and medication to regulate our negative behavior. Now we are seen as being distorted and unsafe to others due to our handicap. And then do we agree with this deduction and then choose to live in a trance to fit in with the rules of society? Now we are “nice” people who are numb to our passion, yet at least we are likeable!

Why is it that people in general do not like anger? What kind of fears, real fears, are present that cause a person to want to suppress their anger, or run from another person’s anger? One of the main underlying fears of anger is that we will end up being out of control with our expression of anger, and end up doing something aggressive, destructive or hurtful. Underneath it all we do not want to hurt anyone, yet our anger causes us to feel a reactive lashing out against others. A part of our reason for feeling our anger in the first place is the issue of having to deal with other people’s personalities and such.

A part of us does actually feel an intense feeling of anger that borders on what is known as a murderous rage. Why is it that our anger escalates to such proportions? There is a childish side to us that exists with wants and desires that demand satisfaction, with expectations of expecting to get others to supply us with what we want. This is a kind of narcissism that exists within people and requires some awareness to realize. If we are jealous of our perception that others have something to give that we don’t have and feel entitled to, then we can blame them for not providing us with our needs.

Our desires carry a great deal of anger that can feel wild and untamed. Our inner killer feels terrifying to acknowledge, yet within that intense reactive anger is a positive anger that can be focused on love and empowerment. Our inner killer anger wants to be destructively fueled by our inner victim self that expects instant gratification. Despite our inner killer being a huge fear to face and feel, what other demons cause us to repress our intense feelings of anger and hate? Why is it that people feel they have to suppress their anger and hate to prevent from actually acting out of control with these feelings?

One of the main reasons that anger escalates and feels like it is uncontrollable, is that we have very little experience with allowing ourselves to feel it and express it. Certainly many people would not admit to loving their anger and feeling pleasure from expressing their anger. Most people feel very uncomfortable about anger. In fact people would easily admit that feeling anger upsets them. Thus not only does our anger easily instill fear in us, our anger also angers us. It is as if feeling anger is an imposition. We feel a sense of injustice with our anger; how dare we have to feel it ever! This is where we are actually complaining about our anger and feeling like a victim about things. We expect life to be perfectly peaceful and we expect to never have to know anything about our own anger or anyone else’s anger either.

On the positive side, our anger is supposed to show us that we are not happy with something, as a way of alerting us to our possible life choices involving what is affecting our joy. Often our joy in linked with our desires. We have desires for things to happen and we also have desires for things to not happen. Within our desires are hopeful wishes for happy outcomes. We desire positive results in a variety of our life’s circumstances. Thus when we feel that something is a threat to our happiness and our satisfied desires, we notice that we are miserable or held back in experiencing our passions. This is where both anger and hatred come in to alert us to the fact that it will be necessary for us to communicate certain things and choose certain actions to accomplish our real desires and experience more of the joy we deserve and crave. Thus our anger becomes our empowerment when we allow our anger to show us where we wish to be able to have some effect on our outer world.

The feeling of hate is often felt to be a very strong word, an even more undesirable feeling than simple anger. We wish for protection against feelings of hate, since we assume that hate is only negative. Hate, like anger can alert us to just how miserable we really are. From this place of reality we can make new choices that will result in our being more kind with ourselves. In this equation, hatred equals kindness. As human beings, we can only handle suffering negativity to a limited degree. If we resign ourselves to situations where we are miserable, it is only natural that we feel depressed. The feeling of being depressed is due to suppressing our true feelings of anger and hatred. Yet what ways are we able to access and embrace our feelings of anger and hate without upsetting most everybody else in our world? Many people would even say that there is no purpose for anger and hate.

A lot of spiritual teachings tell us that we ought to focus on what we want to create, and that focusing on our negative feelings will only create more negativity. Thus it is strongly instilled in our culture that to experience peace, we ought to focus only on being peaceful and calm. This belief leaves no place for loving our passions and our pain. Surely our anger alerts us to both our pains and our passions. And our hate alerts us to where our suffering is out of balance. We can not expect to have to suffer way more than we are able to enjoy feeling joy and happy pleasures?

Too much misery will only cause us to numb out and be resigned to boredom and in the end unconscious acting out, usually in secret so no one will know that we are having happy moments. Where do such patterns of suppressing ourselves come from? Many of the patterns we have as adults were created during our childhood years from parents who were not comfortable with any expression of feelings. Feelings are messy, they take too much time to deal with and they upset our frail need for peace and quiet. Feelings are thought to be unnatural even. At least that is how many parents appear to think based on how they treat their children. Parents often “shhhh” their children or ignore them when they are expressing their feelings, and soon the children begin to associate their feelings with punishment.

Expressing feelings and “feeling” feelings are of course completely natural and healthy, yet when we are living in the adult world we are expected to act properly, thus in the adult world feelings are often seen as an alert and a warning that something is wrong within us and needs fixing. The main fix seems to be “Don’t feel anything” since it is too upsetting to the status quo of maintaining a mask of being all together and successful. As a race, we have successfully learned to deny our feelings, or else keep them secret. When we feel that we have to keep our feelings secret, there is no outlet for them to move fully through our bodies, since expressing them is limited to only thinking about them. To be aware of our feelings in our minds alone creates a prison.

The prison of ruminating over our feelings in our minds is the same kind of prison we felt as children being told to be quiet and behave and go to our room and act proper. Think of all of the unexpressed feelings that we piled up inside of ourselves during our childhood alone, not to mention our adult life. In therapy we can share our feelings with a therapist who usually cares enough to listen to us, yet can we safely feel our feelings and share them fully and openly during our therapy session? Some therapists do allow for methods of sharing that include using batons to hit soft cushions with while we shout out our angry frustrations.

Frustration is a word we use to describe our challenge with anger. Frustration acknowledges that we are angry without having to say that we are angry. Frustration acknowledges our need to suppress our anger and feel the double edged sword of not feeling safe to share our anger despite the true obvious fact that we are really angry! If we analyze our feeling of anger, we can suppose many reasons for our anger. We can find physical reasons that pertain to our physical health being the cause of our anger. Perhaps we are overloaded with toxins and our liver is severely congested.

We can find emotional and psychological reasons for our anger. We can describe a story of reasons for the rationality of our anger, and feel justified for having angry feelings. And in the end can we love our anger as a natural human feeling, or do we have to still see our anger as a problem that ought to be completely eliminated? Do we view our anger as some problem that has to be tamed? Is our best solution to find a way to eradicate anger from our lives? In general there does appear to be a strong prejudice against the feelings of anger and hate. Why are these two intense and passionate feelings being outlawed in our social lives? One of the main reasons that I see is the fear of anger escalating into a crime that causes physical damage, yet also there is a fear of being seen as someone who could possibly cause a crime.

I find it interesting that the word crime could be decoded to express grief, as in the words “cry-me”. Could it even be said that underneath our anger is a grief and that there is grief and sadness that exists around our having to suffer social injustices? And too there is a sorrow at having to deny our true feelings including an even deeper devastation from not feeling safe in our world. Is every angry outburst going to include a violent action? It seems that on a subconscious level, many of us are now programmed to believe that anger is not safe, as it may involve a physical fight. We now have a knee jerk response to anger, and underneath it all there is more than just fear of being hurt, there is fear of having to hurt back to survive, and there is a deep grief that we even have to worry about such damage occurring due to a reactive, separatist view of ourselves by another.

We want the joys of sharing pleasure with each other in intimate moments, yet we fear asking someone out in case we are rejected. We fear anything that might cause a slight bit of anger to be created. Why would we be afraid of even talking with people to find out if they want to do something with us? How have we become so paranoid within our own self image of ourselves? Why is it that we expect to have to be some perfect version of a human being to be liked and wanted? I suspect that we are dealing with many childhood fears and worries that relate to how we were received or not received when we needed attention for what we were feeling during our youth. Our feelings have become secret enemies. If we have them, we are flawed….it sure seems that way since mostly we are only able to share them when we are in therapy! How severely we were punished as children will definitely be part of what our emotional patterns display.

So here we are all grown up, and able to live as adults, and yet we still feel like children expecting to be punished by our spouses and friends. Our unresolved feelings and issues are constantly being displayed over and over to us in our adult lives, causing us to remember our past feelings that were associated with traumatic events during our childhood. Our subconscious has stored all of our unresolved issues for us to later remember them and be able to love them and feel them. In the end the feelings are still there waiting to be felt, waiting to bring our awareness to what we needed to know way back when.

Our parents interrupted our own sense of knowing by stopping us from experiencing the natural processing of our feelings that needed to occur through our being able to feel them fully and express them openly. A layer of shame coats our feelings keeping them hidden away, until the day comes that we can truly value them and stop shutting ourselves down from allowing them to be within us. When our parents denied us the healthy interpersonal bridge necessary for us to feel received, we became afraid of our parents as well. Now feeling our feelings is equated with a fear of having intimate connections with other people too.

If our parents were able to really stay present with us when we expressed and shared our feelings, we could have been able to digest them easier and not feel afraid to know what it feels like to have them. Parents ought to be able to give a sincere loving attention to their children during moments when their children are feeling. The parent ought to be able to have a loving look in their eyes and a loving tone in their voice despite the feelings being expressed by their child. Also the parents need to keep eye contact and touch their child with a tender caring touch. Many parents have childhood abuse issues of their own, thus they unwittingly repeat negative patterns with their own kids.

If this kind of safe space is not allowed to be present when the child needs to express his or her feelings, then the child will have a sense of their feelings being negative. In time the repeated negative association with their feelings will cause the child to shut down emotionally and begin to value their mind instead. This switch is done out of safety and a desire to be loved and approved of. A mask develops causing the child to hide inappropriate feelings. This is how long ago our habits originated in our psyche to deny feelings and to judge them as negative. Often young boys are taught that their tears are negative, and if the parents do not give the young boy this impression, soon his peers in the school yard are ridiculing him for crying when he is hurt.

Every person, male or female needs to know the value of their deep feelings of grief to actually have an ability to know true compassion for others. The whole world is in need of a loving therapy that can honor feelings and allow them to be fully felt and acknowledged, then the person can have a healing experience of knowing their deeper truths, for feelings bring our spiritual wisdom into our physical human hearts, to download healing awareness for our liberation and humility of heart.

When our spiritual wisdom downloads, our true love is felt and known as a physical truth. The depth of consciousness that resides in our spiritual essence is available to us anytime we can feel our feelings as love and receive them in our bodies. I highly recommend the practices of Cellular Memory Healing as a method of experiencing deep healing on a physical level that includes all aspects of our being; mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.

A work in progress, written by Deborah Carroll, copyright 2007, All rights reserved.

About debcarroll

Born in 1956, managed to survive 18 years of using drugs and alcohol, joined recovery groups and began an interest in many forms of healing and health awareness. Was working in design and architecture, yet often worked in the performance arts as well. Began intensive studies in Iridology and Nutrition in 1990. Was involved with Sun Bear and The Bear Tribe Medicine Society intensively for 5 years. Studied Naturopathy and Iris Analysis along with Herbalogy and Detoxification methods for 8 years. Began studying Tantra in 94 and had a traumatic/healing near death experience in 95. Four years later I met my teacher Marcus Daniels and begin taking classes with him. My studies included body work that Marcus calls Touch of Structure. I went to two other massage therapy schools to study other style of massage and healing methods. I have an interest in teaching the truth about sexuality and spiritual healing based on what I have learned from my studies in wisdom classes with my teacher Marcus. By merging some basic Tantra practices with healing aspects of cellular memory healing practices I have created healthy ways to focus and have presence during intimacy and during alone times when some one is self pleasuring.
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