Perfectionism Victim Viewpoint

Perfectionism Victim viewpoint

In the perfectionism victim viewpoint, a person expects life to deliver the picture perfect outcome to all desires. Great expectations are attached to desired outcomes, and the outcomes that ought to manifest in the outer world to acknowledge the value of the person and his or her desires; create a bitter doubt and a doomful fear with concerns to the safety of life, as well as the ability for life to deliver joy and just desserts.

Anger and Desire are two feelings that exist in the throat chakra, the area of sound expression and communication (sharing from the inner world into the outer world). Unfortunately for us Earthlings, we are taught to keep our complaints to ourselves, and to shape up and be grateful despite our struggles and suffering. Well fortunately love does not judge the negative or lacking situations of creation. Thus negatives only require a reception of love to be digested with a resulting manifestation of peace and trust.

To express our true feelings about our thwarted desires, and our expectations of glory, it is necessary to make some noise to rage our angst concerning our severe challenges in the area of manifestation. Our mind may be clear, yet is our heart sure? Wisdom does require a heart feeling connection on a level of authentic true feelings, felt and received as love to create healing and awareness. It is vital to our survival, to find a way to excitedly express our true passionate feelings of anger with regards to our many connected desires that seek joyful culmination.

Thus we have to find a private place to express openly with full sound expansion. We do need a private place to prevent our noises and expressed angst from scaring others who are not savvy to the idea that anger is love and rage is love and hate is love. Hate and Anger are feelings that show us when we are upset with certain negative situations in our lives. Our hate reveals our misery; to guide us to seek more true pleasure, to be kind with ourselves.

This involves a lot of problem solving, for us to figure out how we can share more love with ourselves and our outer world. If we are not able to love our feelings of anger and hate, and we resist loving ourselves as angry hating human beings, then we can easily end up being very reactive with these two passionate feelings.

This causes some people to feel like a victim, since the anger and hate illuminate a lack of perfection in the mind of the person with the reactive outlook. At the core of this outlook is a belief in the classical dualities of “right and wrong” and “good and bad”. If we believe that anger and hate are wrong and bad, then instantly we separate from actually feeling and RECEIVING these feelings as love. This causes the person; with the idealist view that life ought to only be happy and positive; to distort their feelings into either outward projections of blame, or inward inversions of shame.

Both of these tactics are resulting in a choice to not feel these feelings in the body and the human heart; to reject these feelings. When our feelings of anger and hate are rejected, there is a core belief that these feelings ought to not even exist at all since they are bad or wrong; or worse yet, these feelings are “not love”, since love is only joy and happiness and peacefulness. Once a person can face a new viewpoint, that Love exists within both the positive and negative aspects of life and that our world is not a place of perfection, then there is a bit of an allowance for acceptance of these feelings as a part of life that can not be separated out of or away from basic reality and everyday life.

Some people take the reality of their beliefs that anger and hate are wrong and a waste of energy, and only in opposition to love with such fervor, that they get caught in this loop of “how dare someone make me angry!” So they are blaming the outer world people for expressing “their” anger, and at the same time they are hating themselves (in secret) for being angry about their own anger in a reaction to anger, that only keeps a negative spin going………….resulting in “no peace” and definitely a lack of perfection………and the cycle of self recrimination and blaming others, and God, keeps the flames of passion burning in a SEPARATION!

This is a key understanding, yet takes time to see this clearly; that when the deep passions of anger and hate are separated from, (out of fear of loving them and receiving them for their positive qualities), then what happens on an authentic feeling level, is a scorching of the wisdom spirit (elemental feeling level) causing actual burns and fires to manifest in the world. When a person caught up in this victim viewpoint keeps blaming others solely for their negative circumstances, then, they end up discharging and dispersing their separated feelings towards the spirit and aura of the people they are angry with. They could simply be angry at someone for the mere fact that they are expressing their anger openly.

There is such a disdain towards anger that their psyche can not tolerate it. And many times; the people with the biggest aversion towards the feelings of anger; are the people who can feel their feelings the deepest compared to other people; (they fear the intensity of their very deep feelings). Most of the fear is a fear of being out of control and acting out destructively, or in the case of deep grief, the fear can be that the despair will never end and they will get sucked into nonstop darkness.

When a person can not love their anger, they are usually afraid of feeling a murderous rage. The massive aggression that exists when someone refuses to love their feelings of anger, causes great destruction, even if they never break anything or physically act out to hurt anyone; their aura is loaded with unloved feelings. Feelings that are generated, and yet not felt and received as love, within a person’s consciousness, end up contracting in the aura causing pain to manifest, along with contracted rock hard knotted up muscles that distort the structure of the skeletal system.

At the core of this mess is the idea that life ought to be a perfect utopia with no troubles, no worries, no fears, and no possibilities of others saying “no thank you”. When someone says no to someone’s desires, the person feeling rejected can have an expectation that the person they asked ought to satisfy their desires. There is a basic sense within the person who feels rejected, that the world ought to satisfy their needs and desires… just because they ought to be victorious, and if they are not, then there is doubt of their self worth.

In actuality, it is our neediness that comes from our wounded child self that fears not being loved by our parents, our God, and our outer world, that is clinging to the hope of a positive outcome with expectations of self worth and a belief in being deserve-able of positive results that is fueling these passions. Our more mature adult self acknowledges desires as desires that must be constantly worked towards to manifest positive results, where as our inner child self has converted normal desires into needs that have fear and self image worries attached.

Thus at the heart of the victim there are many core issues that pertain to a desire for perfection and positive joyful feelings being steadily manifested. Part of maturing involves a realization that both positive and negative experiences are teaching us many things about what is working for us, and what is working against our flow of positive creation. And in the end, the negative experiences are part of the process of being more aware of ourselves and our outer world.

To solve the victim viewpoint that expects perfection, a change in viewpoint is necessary. The world must be seen for its opposites that are in balance as both being qualities of love. The tough part of this belief is being able to take ownership for the challenge of choosing presence with regards to loving negativity, and most importantly being able to receive negative qualities of life as love in our bodies by feeling the feelings that we fear feeling and usually are judging as only being negative…until one day we know that our feelings are a combination of negative and positive qualities and we stop running away from acknowledging them and seeing their value with regards to awareness and healing.

The most negative aspect of our feelings is that we choose to “not” feel them, and “not” receive them as love, causing them to create spiritual separations (also known as residues). Also in relationship to desires, it is vital that our adult self is conscious that what we desire to experience that requires involvement with another person, may not work out the way we desire since the other person may have different desires that do not match our desires. Communication is a constant learning for us in regards to making things work out gracefully.

Communication is something that we will always be required to deal with. Since the world is not perfect, we can expect to make mistakes to learn how to communicate with more elegance, and hopefully in ways that create more fun. If we can expect to have challenges, and hurt feelings between ourselves and our intimate friends and lovers, then we can at least acknowledge that it is required of each one of us to do our part in communicating our failings and apologize for our mistakes. This requires a lot of humility and safety within our psyche, to know that we are loving human beings even when we are not doing everything perfectly.

Changes are eminent and feelings are constantly flowing and being created along with our rampant mental consciousness full of many thoughts that are propelling associated feelings throughout the fabric of spiritual consciousness that we all exist within here on Earth. Thus to become empowered and no longer feel like a victim in our lives, it is vital that we learn to love our passionate feelings of anger and hatred. Both anger and hate have positive sides that benefit our beings when we can express them with love and a focus on their positive qualities.

It is our passions that drive us, and when we feel shut down and in victim mode; feeling helpless and ineffectual, we end up succumbing to apathy and indifference. It is a very easy place to exist. Only through diligence will we become liberated in our heart of hearts expressing our true love. Say to yourself out loud: “I am empowered; I am a choice maker choosing to feel and receive my anger as a force of love”. When we express our true feelings of rage (joy of anger) and hate (passionate aversion as kindness) then we feel our deeper feelings of love and acceptance.

Only through exposing our secretive sides, our choices of isolation, our rebellions, our contractions and distortions, will we allow love to win; for each other. We are NOT going to be perfect in our attempt to expose our negative habits and our fearful attitudes. Thus we will have to deal with our embarrassment as our self image wishes to control our vulnerability. Yet in our vulnerability we find love exists in a place of humility that finds true caring for our selves and our friends, family, and lovers.

We all exist with each other in our lives, within a collusion of events and circumstances. At times, we may encounter “limits of love” where we have to say “no thank you” and set a boundary. Yet there is no fault for making choices in our lives that end up excluding others. We can only save ourselves in the end, and some of us have special responsibilities as parents and pet owners to care for those who need mature support. Yet as individual adults, we have to be true to ourselves and not sacrifice ourselves for the sake of a relationship that is not matching well enough. And yet the marriages and relationships that stand the test of time include some great arguments and discussions.

How can we all enjoy more joy (honoring ourselves as limited human beings), with an unlimited capacity to love that is constantly testing us to have more patience than we ever thought was possible? In the end we do have to balance things out by raging about our angst and facing the reality that our desires are necessary “tug of wars” going on within us that demand that we rage about our limits and give our high expectations of “perfect patience” a chance to blow some steam. How can we make this process fun?

For me the answer is in talking out loud and bellowing loudly, the many things that exist within my being that are busting at the seams so to speak, to be expressed – to be received as love by the very action of expression! Passion demands expression! Love is a force that naturally craves to be voiced openly and noisily, with the acknowledgment that any thought or feeling desiring expression has a life of its own to move consciousness and allow wisdom blessings to be known here on Earth as revelations of truth; and spiritual blessings manifest (no matter if they are dark or light!).

Often the fear is that when we choose to yell out a negative desire, and a dark thought, that this means that we then are going to have to act on this desire or thought. Not true! We are only liberating a dark residue that has a contracted feeling attached that must be exposed to be received as love. Yet when you do this, you only say it one time to acknowledge it. It is very important that when we choose to do this type of expression as a healing exercise, that we are able to take ownership for the fact that cruelty and negativity is something that is part of us, yet it does not have to manifest in a way that would harm anybody or harm ourselves; thus the reason for doing this type of process in private, is to not upset or traumatize others who can not receive these expressions as love.

Also it is vital that when we do decide to share our negative issues with others that “are” savvy to these healing processes, that we give them fair warning that we are needing to process and are asking them first, if they can receive our sharing with love. This also requires that we do not project our negative issues on to our listening healing receiving partner. Whatever issues we are still subconsciously attached to, (with concerns to our childhood and our parents failings), can easily be projected towards our listening healing partner. This happens when we still feel like a helpless child that feels abandoned and lost. It is easy to lash out at another person in the heat of the moment as our childhood wounds are stimulated again.

This is why it is super important that we acknowledge our habit to feel like a victim, since if we are choosing victim stance, we will not feel empowered. Once we see that we “are” feeling like a victim, the simple equation is this… actually… we are simply angry. Of course, why not feel anger, of course, we are human, and this is a natural feeling to feel when we are hurt. Thus instead of feeling like a victim and going into persecutor mode, and continuing a negative cycle of blaming and abusive outbursts; (sharing in an inappropriate environment)….

Why not find a way to take a “time out” and rage about our experiences, and find the love in our passionate raging, and feel the healing of feeling our feelings in a safe place. Then we can be more connected with love; when we share our truth with someone about our feelings of anger – with regards to some important issue that is affecting us.

Once we know in our hearts, that our anger is a source of empowerment; then we can learn to have a lot of fun with our passionate rage. Then we can rage about the ways that we get “pleasure” doing negative things – to resist feeling more love… and “This is the real conundrum!” We are actually resisting our love when we stay stuck in a loop of choosing negative pleasure and in this habit we are putting a negative spin on our positive powers.

Thus we have to jump into a mess of negativity to end up coming out the other end with some sense of how we are distorting our love by our limited viewpoints and beliefs. We may feel like a victim jumping into the stuff that scares us and that makes us feel uncertain of ourselves, yet at least if we are willing to risk an experiment; we can find out afterwards, that we are safe expressing our passions, and that we can learn to love ourselves despite our imperfections. Note: It really helps to have an experienced teacher that we trust completely, to guide us in these processes, since when we are “in it” there is a challenge to recognize the real differences between the light and dark aspects due to the paradox of life.

Thus in this process we sometimes have to flip flop back and forth between the two opposites to see exactly where we wish our choice point to exist; for the purpose of positive manifesting. Here are a couple of examples: I want to feel + I don’t want to feel. ~ I love being lazy + I hate being lazy. ~ As we express our opposite choices, we must rage with a feeling of anger or hate initially; focusing on feeling our anger or hate about any issue. Then as we do allow ourselves to feel our angry feelings authentically, our feelings of grief often arise.

All of our feelings flow and mix together with each other, and there are often combinations of feelings that merge and arise together; in the process of allowing ourselves to express and feel our feelings. After continued practice, we can feel empowered over feeling like a victim. Despite the outer world outcomes, we are still able to empower ourselves by choosing to feel empowered. Even when we feel deep grief and helplessness, we can still choose to love our moment of grief with a sense of love that feels safe. We may feel helpless and weak, yet we can choose to love the positive possibilities that we have and then pick a new choice and keep persisting continually.

One of the main challenges is gaining the experience to know what works and what doesn’t work in any situation. We can‘t know everything, thus we need to seek professionals who can assist us with what we need help with. When it comes to healing practices, some methods are deceptive, thus how can we really know for certain what methods will deliver the results that we seek? The main way to manifest healing is to choose love. Choose Love First, Feel Love Now, Receive Love. This is vitally important; a constant choice.


Deborah Carroll. Copyright August 2009. A work in progress.



About debcarroll

Born in 1956, managed to survive 18 years of using drugs and alcohol, joined recovery groups and began an interest in many forms of healing and health awareness. Was working in design and architecture, yet often worked in the performance arts as well. Began intensive studies in Iridology and Nutrition in 1990. Was involved with Sun Bear and The Bear Tribe Medicine Society intensively for 5 years. Studied Naturopathy and Iris Analysis along with Herbalogy and Detoxification methods for 8 years. Began studying Tantra in 94 and had a traumatic/healing near death experience in 95. Four years later I met my teacher Marcus Daniels and begin taking classes with him. My studies included body work that Marcus calls Touch of Structure. I went to two other massage therapy schools to study other style of massage and healing methods. I have an interest in teaching the truth about sexuality and spiritual healing based on what I have learned from my studies in wisdom classes with my teacher Marcus. By merging some basic Tantra practices with healing aspects of cellular memory healing practices I have created healthy ways to focus and have presence during intimacy and during alone times when some one is self pleasuring.
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